y

y breaking up is hard and y cant the pain just go away??? i hate being in this miserable feelings still and i hate waking up feeling useless and my food dont taste the way it used to be. i felt like going on back to the circle where i was and it seems like never ended!! Ya allah...i need to move on from this misery. i need my life back...

~hmm`

leaf's departure is because of wind's pursuit or because tree didnt ask her to stay?

i hate it.

i hate the pain im having right now. i hate where things will not be the same. i hate thinking about him everyday n night. i hate things dont go my way. i hate tears coming out from my eyes everytime i wake up and before i go to sleep. i hate this miserable feelings. i hate everything just not going to be the same. i hate i cant hold him anymore. i hate to see the tears in his eyes. i hate my life right now. i hate pretty much things that around me right now. hate it hate it hate it. more importantly i hate the way i dont hate him. the fact that i still love and miss him, always...

pain pain go away

this week has been the cruelliest week ever.my heart is so broken. im so guttered. i hate breaking up. i hate goodbyes. i hate everything with the word "end". i hate it. i hate it so much. things wll never be the same you know. even though you said, yes it will bethe same. no its not. its different. it will be different forever. i cant bear pain on my shoulder. i hate it. i hate everything rite now.

march 24th 2006-november 17th 2006

memory

Promise me

Masihkah kau mengerti lagi
Yang kasihku tetap berdiri sepi
bersinar dinurani
berlingar di selubuk hati

Walau ku pernah jangkakan
yang kita tak mungkin abadi
hatiku berlinang
teringatkan janji bersemi

ku perlukan hidupku
kau perlukan teruskan hidupmu

bahagialah selalu

janji lah padaku yang kau ceria selalu
janjilah untuk ku
---------------------------------------------

I hope you still understand
that my love still standing quietly
still shining in my soul
still moving in my heart

Even though I know we will never be forever
My heart cry thinking the promises we make

I need my life
You need to go on with your life

Be happy always

Promise to me you will be happy always
Promise to me

ketcha.com.my

penat, stress sume ada skang......arghhhh bencikk...essay due satu besok, satu monday next week and test on friday then yeahaaaa cuti seminggu..nak wat ape eh cuti seminggu? tidooooo lah ape lagi..hik hik hik..

weather has been crap.. rainning, drizzless, haily..end up sume orgg sakit this winter...smalam the wind omigosh..sejuk giler cam dlm airbatu..so damn freaking cold man..felt like didnt want to go out at all (but had to go anyways..)

hmmm what shud i do today> essay..need another 1000+ words to finish (and that includes conculusion, reference and introduction). Felt funny to myself..i started writing essay w/out introduction...understood the question but cant start writing about the introduction...heheheheh...oh well...at least the main points are there...so no kisah lar!

nak mee goreng mamak.......

omiggosh..so hard when you craving for the things u cannot get e.g nasi lemak at mamak stall an also mee goreng mamak..wah so sedap..so hard you live in overseas but theres no such as mamak stall here excpt burger king and mcdonald and fish and chips..bosan lah..dun want to eat that..sick of it..fast food all the times..so hardddddd

been going back to skol..so susahlah...my brain is full of infomation..being crowded....too much loading..keep loading blah blah..im talkiing crap now..time for bed..got discussion and work tomoro..(work> bosanlah)

This is such a sweet song to listen. It has the sweetest lyrics i have ever listened to.


Wondering the streets, in a world underneath it all
Nothing seems to be, nothing tastes as sweet
As what I can't have
Like you and the way that you're twisting your hair
round your finger
Tonight I'm not afraid to tell you
What I feel about you.

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
and cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will

Forgive me if I stutter
From all of the clutter in my head
Cuz I could fall asleep in those eyes
Like a water bed
Do I seem familiar, i've crossed you in hallways
a thousand times, no more camouflage
I want to be exposed, and not be afraid to fall.

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you

If I could dim the lights in the mall
And create a mood I would
Shout out your name so it echos in every room
I would

That's what I'd do, That's what I'd do to get through to you

I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannon ball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
You always want what you can't have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will
For you I will

life is full of suprises

i have not been updating my blog for nearly 2 months now. most of the peoples who have been accessing my blog have been complaining about it. well here goes..

since i got back from malaysia on the 7th of january 2006, ive countinued working at my workplace. apparently got homesick and also flu and fever due to the change of weather. but because i only took leave until the 7 th, i had to go back the next day on the 8th with having flu and fever. It was good to see all the familiar faces again. Hemi; the boy i have been looking after came and see at work. I managed to catch up with him even though i feel disguisted to myself. BUt i felt teribbly bad after he left because he left with feeling angry and dissapointed because i was pushing him away as he was being nice to me and trying to make me laughing and being his usual self. but because i felt horribly disguisted, i pushed him away. But i managed to talk to him when i saw him agian the next day. To explain to him that i was happy to see him. I wasnt angry at him. But because he cant accept rejection and disspoinment( he has been letting down in his life, he feels all the bad things that happens is because of him).

So my life has been good and as usual, things have been ups and downs and stuff but i managed to control the problems that ive been having. everything you experience tend to make u stronger,aight? shit happens mostly at work place; hemi got into trouble, staffs being shitty and management change drastically. I was nearly going to hand in my resigning letter but because i still care about the place, i ended up to stay. One because of hemi(yes he is such a special boy with lots of great skils), second the kids and most important i love the place a lot. i put my heart into the place. Kemp st has been like my second home. i spend most of my time there than my home.

uni just started in end of feb. things grat..back to school. assigments and tests. well usual stuff nothing change. still the same old things where you have to do research and paperwork. the paper i am taking at the moments is about advocacy about young children which is really interesting.

i have moved house in end of feb. finally i got a proper place to live. ive been living at rachel's hse for a month or so til i get my proper place. i still love my old place but im falling in love with my new place. everything is just so cosy and just nice. i dont need a big house or a lavish stuff to have but as long as i have everything that i need is there, then its enough for me.

so basically thats the sum up of my life at the moment. I still have new things to do everyday e.g to sass out Hemi's stuff, uni, holiday programme and yeah my own life. I still cant see which path should i follow as i cant see what i will be doing in the future. life is such a full pf suprises! you got to have present everyday! you never know what present you will get until you open the package. so yeah just enjoy the package til then!

totally wicked!!

I have discovered that i still have the pictures from the old days on the internet. that is so wicked as when i went home this yr i was trying to copy some of the old days photos and turned out my harddisk on my pc has been reformat due to unstable window.DAMN! i was sad but just as i was about to give up, the suprise came up and yeay! i have found my fav photos. whoo! totaly wicked!

morality bites ....again?

i have been thinking lately that what if i didnt finish my studies..then who will i be? can i afford to buy things like now or i end up being poor and cant afford anything? ive been doing a lot of thinkin lately that i have spent lots and lots of money on unnecessary things. I cannot imagine how many times have my parents put up on me just to raise a selfish kid like me. I have been asking lots of unecessary things and they wud say yes even though they hesistant on me.

i feel absolutely lonely since i got back.i still have friends but i do not know what i am feeling missing about. i am still figuring it out and have been actually. Been figuring what i am missing about but i still have no clue :)

oh i havent written down what are the newyear resolutions. I made a list that i wont be dating anyone this year and concerntrate on what things i havent actually done yet. But then i got a date from a collegue few days ago. I was thinking to go but i changed my mind because he was being a pusher. I told him i didnt want to go but he ended up pushing me. So i decided not to go.

Things have changed since i got back to wellington. I have spend more time at home and didnt feel like clubbing or shop around. i have been a homely type and i really enjoy it. which is gud considering i never actually a home-staying-type.

Finally I have arrived safely in Wellington on the 6th Jan 06. Sorry for the late update as I was sick for a couple and days and went straight back to work. I am feeling better now but still got some few work to finish. uNI starts in february and i havent enrolled. I will have to do it asap or else i will be left out. What else is new?nothing much as wellington is sunny and summer is great. but i am still in malaysia mode and still craving for the nice local food. missing that a lot lately.

well i am back to work and its been pretty hectic,have to catch up with few things and nothing major hiccups happen which is good considering the management has changed and it sucks. currently i am staying in newtown at rachel's and i kinda like it here. its accessible and near to work place to. only takes 10 minutes walk and its a major exercise for me at the moment.

newya nothingelse to jot down. hope its not too late to wish selamat hari raya aidiladha. hugz

true friends stay forever

morality bites doesnt it?

why does morality bites?because you are actually living in the real world where life sucks and shit happens. only people who truly trust you will stay forever ini your heart.

Some people only befriending w you bcoz they have their reasons. Either to let loose their stupid problems that have been burden their shoulder or they truly admire your friendship qualities. In my case, ive been friending w both, where some stick w me whereas some stick w me when they have problems. Am i really a place when ppl can throw all their shitty stuffs to me and when they are over w it, they are over w me too?

I am actually piss w some of my friends who treat me like a shit. I dont/never treat them like a shit unless they are a shit to me. If they are so, then goodbye to our friendship. But why some ppl still have the courage to do so? can their think abt other's ppl feelings? cnt they just say "hi" even tho we hardly seen each other?why is it so hard to do so? where are the promises that say "we shud hang out when you are back", But where is the "hang out"?except making excuses "i cant make it, m too bz yaddi yadda". If it's for the first few times then its fine but dont be such a bitch when i tried to ring. That is just so useless. I know you are bz w ur life but dont make promises if you cant keep it. Simple as that!!

Right here..waiting

morality does bites isnt it?

well hell yeah..Didnt realise ive been home for almost 2 months now and i am leaving on the 5th jan 06. Back to Wgtn, which means no play-rest-..it means work work work. not like now I am actually in the holiday-spree..in heaven..sleep-eating-sleep again-shopping-tv-dvds. What do u expect when you are a bummer? of course you will be doing that..d'oh!

Newayz nothing really interesting happening since ive been home..enjoying the sun, the food, the shopping spree, the nothing-to-be-worrying-about..so i admit its good to be home

honestly i am really sad when i start to think il be once again leaving my families here in Malaysia. GOd knows il be seeing them in couple of months time..if it soon enuff then it will be middle of the yr or else it will be end of the year.

well nevertheless, enjoy what you have and appreciate it what's infront of you

*the food is awesome back here"

the summary of me

I realise i havent been updating my blog for about a month now..well its not that I didnt want to but because I am just so lazy to sit now and type the words...wish that i had someone to type what I am about to say (keep dreaming IKE)..anyways i have been busy preparing tasks for the kids at work..so got no time to sit now and type unnecessary things (hahahha..)

well i am in KL now...been home for abt 1 1/2 weeks now and feel so bored!! i was always bz and now i'v got more time to relax, so it is SO NOT ME. but i know that i have to get used to it :)

love spending time with my lil' bro and family. thats more important. Anyways this year ive got the chance to celebrate raya in KL after been raya in wellington for abt 4 years. The celebration?? well nothing special xcept ive got the chance to meet all the relatives who i havent meet for ages. well some of them have been married and some of their children have grown up. KInda funny as before i left Msia 4 yrs ago, their kids used to be so small..(how time flies). Anyways its good to see all the familiar faces again.

At the moment i am in singapore visiting my realatives whom i havent seen for years. i have finally met my cousin whom i still close to. Even tho we havent met for ages but our "cousiness" still remains strong. We still able to talk about stuff even tho she is 4 years younger than me :)

i guess its a good thing for me to be back home for a while after being away coz since ive got bak, my anty, my grandmother and my uncle have been admitted to the hospital. So i guess its a good thing that ive got the chance to visit them when i am here :)

selamat berpuasa

"Selamat Berpuasa to everyone"

the first day of puasa today and i break-fast with pasta. yummy..dont feel like eating rice at all thats y i ate pasta..so parents dont haf to worry ook..i am well-feed..

counting dayz to go home aand i cant wait..cant wait to see my family..

listen up people!

dear all the people who know me

m going back end of this month....yeay!!

where do i begin?

am actually trying really hard to start blogging today. normally i wud write continously without stopping but today I feel so emotional down. I feel so down that I feel i want to fly home and dont want to come back anymore. I know i shudnt be running away from things but i guess as always being me (too sensitive) i ended up feeling sorry for myself.

over the weekend i received 3 straight bad news. was trying to accept the first bad news then later i received 2 bad news at the same time. I was frustated and burst to tears. and then the bad news continuosly happening. first bad news my current boss is no longer work at the place. the boss whom i really respect and she is not just the boss, she is also my good friend well more like my sister. she taught me everything i ought to know. when she told me she's not coming back to work, i was shocked and dissapointed and sad.. really sad that there were no words to express how i feel.

the second bad news, the kid whom i really really love and adore and whom i have been treating him like a brother just lost his place to live. not because his anty didnt want him but because he has been lying continously to his anty and his anty has been sacrificing everything she has just to raise him. when he lied again again last weekend, his anty decided, thats it no more turning back. so his anty told me that she does not want him bck. i burst to tears when i heard because the first thing that came out from my mind was that "where is he going to live"? honestly i totally object if he's going back to his parents house as his father used to beat him alot...he even ended up in the hospital. BUT my worst nightmate came true. now he is ended up staying at his parents for a while until further notice where will he be going next.

the third news was that another kid whom i really enjoy having got fostered. so he is now being foster by a zimbawwe family. knowing his past i am happy for him but deep down i do miss him bcoz i enjoy talking to him and hanging out with him even tho he can be as aggressive as another typical 11 year old. now he's gone i am so crushed.

after my current boss left, ive been taking over the school hols programme. i never complaint for the things i am told to do but bcoz my emotions are still tied up and easily break, even the smallest things that happend made me burst to tears. e.g a kid who is u nder my supervision ran away last nite at 7pm in nite and normally i wudnt cry or anything coz i knew he always runs away and he likes running and jumping over the fence but like i sed my emotions are still fragile, i burst to tears after i catched him running on the field. I know its stupid but when you are emotionally down, even small things can trigger the tears. then after that kid was sorted out, i had to give another kid a bath. normally i wudnt cry if the bathroom flooded but bcoz i am still fragile, i cried like a stupid gurl who lost her barbie doll. I dont know why but everything seems to be falling apart. there are also other things (which i dont want to mention here) have made me burst to tears yesterday. i ended up crying to my friends and my co-worker last nite.

I tried to stay happy and smile all the times but i just cant do it. THe kid (who jz went bck to his parents' hse) always like to piss me off and we always fight even on stupid things all the times. but like today i know he didnt do it on purpose, but he accidently pinched me on my arm when we were talking in the car and the tears were easily out from my eyes. i cried just bcoz i got pinched and it wasnt that hard but because i am still emotionally down, even small things can made me cry. honestly today i was thnking not to stay at work and felt like going home and sleep and when i wake up the next day i can just think everything was just a bad dream. but i guess the reality is always going to be like that. accepting the reality because thats what the life really are.

i dont know abt the future but as far as i concern i am still emotionally tied down and even small things can triggers the big things...i am jz not ready for anther bad news..seriously

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

You And Me-LifeHouse